The user known as ‘deathmike’ has been removed from this site. Not on account of his poor music taste, but as a result of his behaviour in the real world and my reluctance to be associated with real-life knobheads.

Back in November of 2007, the North West UK was treated to two festivals on the same weekend – ‘Damnation’ and ‘Gekfest’. While both catered to a metal audience, ‘Gekfest’ was unarguably the more underground, more extreme festival, appealing to a more niche audience than the fairly mainstream Damnation. In-line with the extreme nature of Gekfest, the flier’s slogan stated ‘No frills, no faggotry’, an obvious jab at the watered-down scenecore / pussy bands which plague the modern live metal scene, and nothing more than that.

Deathmike took the opportunity to report Gekfest to Greater Manchester Police as a ‘hate crime’, as a result of the festival’s slogan. This was done as a result of a personal vendetta between Damnation organisers (whom Deathmike is closely affiliated with) and Paul, the organiser of Gekfest, and not as a result of any valiant crusade against homophobia, which is how the meddling parties are now trying to paint the picture.

As a result of these (and similar) actions by Deathmike and his Damnation cohorts, Negura Bunget, the Gekfest headliner, were told that they were not allowed to play, making Manchester the only city skipped on their tour and ensuring that lots of Negura fans (myself included) didn’t get to see one of their favourite bands.

I know full well that Deathmike did not report the gig because of a crusade against intolerance. He did it for shits and giggles, to stir up drama, and to get his own back at Paul, who he felt had insulted Damnation by (quite rightly) pointing out that it is the more commercial of the two events.

So, yeah. Deathmike’s removed from the authors and won’t be contributing to Metal Jerks any more. I’ll leave his reviews up because I’m never a fan of destroying creative works, even when made by vindictive people with disagreeable opinions.

Fuck you, Deathmike.

Opeth at Myspace

Okay, I know this is a horrendously boring album to review since everyone loves Opeth and probably already knows if they like their newest release, ‘Watershed’, or not. But I don’t, since I’ve avoided listening to it properly until just now.

Don’t get me wrong, I like Opeth. And I’m not one of those elitist Opeth fans who thinks that everything they released after ‘Still Life’ sucks, either. They sucked way before that (ho ho). It’s jut that ‘Ghost Reveries’ really disappointed me. It was too far removed from the Opeth I love. It was too proggy and it was too mellow and it was too crazy and it wasn’t grim at all. Mellotrons? Tribal drums? Fuck off.

Right, yeah, Watershed. What can I say? It’s more of the same, really. Lame. I can’t say I was really expecting them to drop the prog rock nonsense and kick Per out of the band, although it would’ve been nice.

It’s really hard writing a review like this, even when you’re like me and barely even mention the music. On the one hand, I’m glad that Mikael and co. have found commercial success and it’s good that they’re writing music they like. But on the other hand, what about the music I like? Opeth have built up a massive fanbase over the years, albeit mostly the last five, but there’s still some of us who loved Opeth when they were a blackened doomy progressive death metal band.

So here’s my suggestion. Let’s get the band members from Opeth’s glory years together – Peter Lindgren, Anders Nordin, and Johan DeFarfalla – and make a new band called ‘Oldpeth’, with Corpsegrinder on vocals or something. And they can write some awesome blackened doomy progressive death metal, and then I can be happy again, and life can continue to be worth living.

Until that day, I’m going to continue pretending Opeth split up in 2004. Who’s with me?

The Rotted at Myspace / Gorerotted at Myspace

First God made metal. But the metal was without gore or splatter, and so God said, “Let there be brutal death”, and then there was gore and splatter. And God saw that the gore was good, and God made Gorerotted. And he said to Gorerotted, “go and make some really sick brutal death metal, you fucks”. And so it was, and the children of God were happy, and it was good. And there was evening and there was morning, and time passed, and God’s children lost faith in Gorerotted, because nothing could ever beat ‘Fuck Your Arse With Broken Glass’, so why carry on? And they told this to God. And God went to his bedroom and listened to Napalm Death and had a bong, and read his book of puns. And God said, “Let there be a new band, and let it be called ‘The Rotted’. And let it mix hardcore punk elements into the brutal death metal stew, but let it do so without being lame”. And God’s children doubted his word, because everyone knows what happens when bands try that shit, but they held tight and regularly checked Myspace. And after a while, God gave the new album to his children. And it was the dog’s bollocks.

‘Get Dead or Die Trying’ sounds nothing like Gorerotted, really, so it’s no surprise they changed the name. Listening to Gorerotted, you could well imagine they recorded each album in one take. Not that it was sloppy or anything, far from it, it was just fucking raw. The Rotted are an entirely different affair – This is sleek, refined death metal, without being at all pretentious. Every instrument is given just enough space to breathe, every riff is carefully calculated and perfectly timed. It even borders on sounding ‘Death & Roll’ at points, although the speed keeps it from straying too far into those iffy waters. The harsh vocals are loud and thick, delivered with a rumbling force that Gorerotted’s stuff lacked.

The punk influences really add something cool to the mix. I’m no hardcore kiddie or anything (fuck that shit), but I think any metalhead worth his salt should appreciate at least some punk. And, evidently, so do the guys in The Rotted, since this album really embraces the punk aesthetic (check out the album cover) and sound, while remaining unmistakably death metal. Each song has an undeniably catchy punk vibe, to such a degree that I wouldn’t be at all surprised if its music videos end up on Kerrang. Which is strange, because a death metal band with that level of commercial viability would normally be totally gay. But this is really good.

So, in conclusion. This album is a fucking great surprise from the ex-Gorerotted boys. I fully approve of and support their new musical direction (as long as they’ll still play old Gorerotted songs live) and I hope it makes them rich and famous. You should buy it. You can stream it in its entirety by clicking here if you need more convincing.

Winterfylleth at Myspace

Hailing from the most grim and frostbitten city known to man, Mancunian black metal troupe Winterfylleth released this terrific wee demo EP in October 2007, and I’ve listened to it literally squillions of times since. Literally. Fuck, I hate people who misuse ‘literally’.

So seriously, then. This is great. Atmospheric and riffy, Winterfylleth successfully pull off the Eastern European pagan / heathen sound of Hate Forest, Drudkh, early Graveland et al but with a very British ‘tromping about in the rain’ twist. The production is by no means polished, but at least it manages to avoid sounding like your next-door neighbour smashing pans together (like so many BM demos) and instead sounds impressively full and heavy.

The mid-tempo drumming, acoustic influences, and long, repetitive riffs do a great job of making you feel like you’re out in the countryside thinking about how awesome England was before those fucking Roman bastards came and fucked everything up. Running water? Culture? Fuck off. I’ll keep my pig-ear and turnip stew, thanks very much.

The shitty thing about ‘Rising of the Winter Full Moon’, though, is that it’s incredibly short. Three songs, totalling about 17 minutes. But they’re apparently working on an album anyway, so whatever. They best hurry up and finish it and then start playing live so I can watch them at a venue near me, supported by some shitty deathcore band.

So yeah. Grab this if you can, it’s good!

Forest Silence at Myspace

Forests. Silence. Winter. Philosophy. Of. Never before have those five words been arranged so fittingly. This album is all about winter. Summer ain’t got shit on winter, bitch. Winter’s got frostbitten motherfuckers all up in your PIECE. Winter’s the fucking bomb. Winter’s ice cold, motherfucker. You don’t fuck with winter. The guy who made this, you know his name? That’s right, motherfucker. Winter.

These are some of the coldest 35 minutes ever recorded. Every song feels like the Grinch pushing your head under a bath of crushed ice. The album marches along to a suffocating drum beat, accompanied by endless tremello picking and the occasional ethereal synth interlude to break any monotony. Winter’s vocals are nothing remarkable, but they’re right for the job. A crackled, distant growl, he sounds like he’s got a sore throat from spending all winter in silent philosophical forests.

If there’s a problem with this album, which there is because I just started the sentence with “If there’s a problem with this album”, it’s that it’s all a little samey. Each track does a tremendous job of sounding distant and cold and all, but that’s it. There’s emotion throughout, but it’s nothing beyond “woah guys, sure is cold eh?”. Not that that’s really such an issue, since there’s only five tracks anyway and they’re all enjoyable enough despite being very similar to one another.

But yeah, anyway. This album is good and I would recommend it. The atmosphere is tremendous. It does a really brilliant job of sounding nice and cold and frostbitten without being intimidatingly raw. The synth really enhances the music without making it sound gay, which is an achievement. Check it out.